"Sorry" by itself NEVER constitutes an apology, so don't go deceiving yourself into thinking you fixed what you broke when all you said was "sorry"; uh-uh, that ain't gonna cut it Bud. Delivered all alone, it is an empty, meaningless word without context or connotation, and does absolutely NOTHING for the other party involved to begin the healing process. If you truly are sorry for something, there's a little bit of homework that has to be done before true mending can take place.

First of all, you MUST understand exactly what it is that you did to hurt, offend, or wrong the other person. To gain this insight takes something that I fear too many people lack: introspection, or self-examination. In many senses of the word, you have to step outside yourself and the situation and look at it from a new perspective to really size up the deeds and damage. One tip that tends to work well is to simply imagine that the exact scenario had taken place between two friends or relatives of yours. If THEY had gone through the exact same situation, how would YOU judge the matter? However you would judge it between two other parties, that's exactly how you should judge yourself. Call the Spade a Spade, man, don't be sugar coating it.

Once you understand what precisely your wrong was, you must then don a mindset of humility. Pride won't allow you to be sorry, but man, humility will promote the sincerity and repentance that the other party must see in order to have a hope of forgiving you. So humble yourself down, dude(tte), eat a little crow pie, and be determined that if you're gonna do this that you're gonna do it right.

Now, deliver the apology. Beg (not literally) an audience with the other party, and in all the true humility and sincerity you can muster, you tell them exactly what you did wrong and how truly sorry you are. If you want to make it really complete, share a little bit of what you learned during self-examination and tell them what fault in you actually precipitated the misdeed. By doing this, they will be getting one of the vital pieces they need to grant forgiveness, and that is the knowledge that you really do understand the harm you caused. Speaking of forgiveness, asking for this is also a necessary part of the apology. I did say ASK, not demand. You don't have the RIGHT to EXPECT forgiveness...that in itself is a gift granted at their discretion, not yours. They may or may not grant it, but the truly repentant person will remain so regardless.

If you happen to be the person who was wronged (aren't we all?), there are some things you can do to help the other person achieve repentance. As with forgiveness, repentance and true sorrow can only be achieved by the individual and there's no magic button to push that makes it occur. You can, however, do things to help break down their main barrier to making it right (their pride). This may sound a little strange or off the wall, but I know for an absolute fact that it is true and it does work with even the hardest, coldest of individuals: be soft. That's right, soft. Speak gently, not harshly or provokingly; show kindness even though you know (and most importantly THEY know) that no kindness is warranted; break down your OWN pride and put on an air of humility. It is nearly impossible for an individual to maintain a posture of defensiveness and pride when their opponent (friend, better half, other) is doing absolutely nothing to fuel such things. We tend to mirror one another, ever notice that? You be nice to me, I tend to be nice to you. You smile at me, I smile at you. You frown at me, I frown back at you. What you are doing in many ways is showing them the behavior they themselves ought to mimic toward you, and lo and behold, they most likely will! Once their pride is down, that dark self-destructive veil, THEN they will be able to see their own true colors clearly and get on with the business of fixing what they broke.

Hope this helps!

Doug out.