American Airlines, YOU SUCK!
American Airlines, if you were a gas, you would be malodiferous and noxious; if you were a teenage girl, you would be gangly and plain, nobody would ever ask you to the prom, and you would die a virgin.
This particular day, I've found myself with you, American Airlines, in an intimate setting, and all of the assumptions I had about you based on hearsay and things gleaned from between the lines over the years have turned out to be completely confirmed: you're absolutely hideous when it comes to everything you tout yourself to be good at.
Okay, I can understand that you can't do anything about the weather and that a major storm front between Dallas and DC is a good reason to keep the plane grounded on the tarmac while you calculate an alternate route. But THREE FREAKING HOURS to come to the conclusion that you're gonna have to go AROUND it? That amazing feat of absurdity is head-wagging in and of itself. Oh yes, you were "courteous" enough to give us updates every half hour, your likely under-paid captain reassuring the passengers that you were still working on coming up with an alternate route and that until somebody figured one out, we were "grounded indefinitely" (yes, he continued to use the word even three hours later...real good for morale, Einstein). But while we all sat there with nothing to do but cat nap and study the moles on our neighbors' necks, it took you two hours to even consider offering us a drink of water. Meanwhile, the "first class" passengers were being wined, dined, and doted upon continuously. By this time during the nightmare I'm noticing every little defect you have, American Airlines; the way you are sooo careful to ensure that you lay the little napkins face up...not to give me a nice map of the U.S. to look at like your MUCH more attractive competitor Southwest Airlines, but rather to shove your cheesy sleezy advertising in my face for Citi financial and their efforts to help me dig myself further into debt. I resent it, American Airlines, and say again: YOU SUCK!
THREE hours of letting gravity bring my coccyx and the metal frame of your undersized seat closer and closer to one another; three hours of my empty stomach attempting to implode upon itself, the anticipation of my obligatory snack growing more and more intense; wondering why, if you thought to bring me a drink (eventually), you didn't also think to offer me some peanuts or pretzels so I could satiate my hunger. Three hours later, when captain Smiley finally gave us the good news that the unseen geniuses who work with you had cleverly devised a solution to our dilemma and drew a line going AROUND the storm, I found out why you hadn't thought to offer me peanuts: YOU DON'T GIVE YOUR PASSENGERS PEANUTS! Ah, but you did lovingly offer to rape me by selling me a cookie for THREE DOLLARS! A 59 cent cookie, if that, for three bucks?!?!?
You truly do suck, American Airlines, without a doubt and unequivocably. You're a cheap, slutty, miserly, cruel, ugly thing who makes no secret of how little you truly care about your customer. The only thing about you that is remotely attractive (until one actually makes your acquaintance) is how CHEAP you are. You draw in the unsuspecting and unwary and milk them for all you can, then cast them out on the street, leaving them feeling quite used and abused. You hope that we'll go away thinking that "this is just the way flying is". Well, THIS traveler knows better, and can speak from experience when he says "YOU SUCK, AMERICAN AIRLINES!"
Ah, and the paradox of all paradoxes, the audacity you have when you speak lovingly to us over the intercome, "We know you have a choice when you fly, and thanks for choosing us! We hope you'll come back!". More empty, absurd words could never be spoken, and if you, American Airlines, are naive enough to think that you are offering anything at all to the general public that is the LEAST bit attractive (besides being one of the cheapest ho's in town), you're sadly mistaken. I'm sure you adopted the line "we know you have a choice" from you more successful competitors and just thought you should say it, too; but you really shouldn't bother saying those words at all because it only makes you look even LESS business-savvy than you are.
If you ever want to have a hope of real success, of truly satisfying customers and making them WANT to return, American Airlines, then lay it to heart when I say, as a real world customer who currently loathes your very existence, "YOU SUCK!", and do something about that.
Doug out.
This particular day, I've found myself with you, American Airlines, in an intimate setting, and all of the assumptions I had about you based on hearsay and things gleaned from between the lines over the years have turned out to be completely confirmed: you're absolutely hideous when it comes to everything you tout yourself to be good at.
Okay, I can understand that you can't do anything about the weather and that a major storm front between Dallas and DC is a good reason to keep the plane grounded on the tarmac while you calculate an alternate route. But THREE FREAKING HOURS to come to the conclusion that you're gonna have to go AROUND it? That amazing feat of absurdity is head-wagging in and of itself. Oh yes, you were "courteous" enough to give us updates every half hour, your likely under-paid captain reassuring the passengers that you were still working on coming up with an alternate route and that until somebody figured one out, we were "grounded indefinitely" (yes, he continued to use the word even three hours later...real good for morale, Einstein). But while we all sat there with nothing to do but cat nap and study the moles on our neighbors' necks, it took you two hours to even consider offering us a drink of water. Meanwhile, the "first class" passengers were being wined, dined, and doted upon continuously. By this time during the nightmare I'm noticing every little defect you have, American Airlines; the way you are sooo careful to ensure that you lay the little napkins face up...not to give me a nice map of the U.S. to look at like your MUCH more attractive competitor Southwest Airlines, but rather to shove your cheesy sleezy advertising in my face for Citi financial and their efforts to help me dig myself further into debt. I resent it, American Airlines, and say again: YOU SUCK!
THREE hours of letting gravity bring my coccyx and the metal frame of your undersized seat closer and closer to one another; three hours of my empty stomach attempting to implode upon itself, the anticipation of my obligatory snack growing more and more intense; wondering why, if you thought to bring me a drink (eventually), you didn't also think to offer me some peanuts or pretzels so I could satiate my hunger. Three hours later, when captain Smiley finally gave us the good news that the unseen geniuses who work with you had cleverly devised a solution to our dilemma and drew a line going AROUND the storm, I found out why you hadn't thought to offer me peanuts: YOU DON'T GIVE YOUR PASSENGERS PEANUTS! Ah, but you did lovingly offer to rape me by selling me a cookie for THREE DOLLARS! A 59 cent cookie, if that, for three bucks?!?!?
You truly do suck, American Airlines, without a doubt and unequivocably. You're a cheap, slutty, miserly, cruel, ugly thing who makes no secret of how little you truly care about your customer. The only thing about you that is remotely attractive (until one actually makes your acquaintance) is how CHEAP you are. You draw in the unsuspecting and unwary and milk them for all you can, then cast them out on the street, leaving them feeling quite used and abused. You hope that we'll go away thinking that "this is just the way flying is". Well, THIS traveler knows better, and can speak from experience when he says "YOU SUCK, AMERICAN AIRLINES!"
Ah, and the paradox of all paradoxes, the audacity you have when you speak lovingly to us over the intercome, "We know you have a choice when you fly, and thanks for choosing us! We hope you'll come back!". More empty, absurd words could never be spoken, and if you, American Airlines, are naive enough to think that you are offering anything at all to the general public that is the LEAST bit attractive (besides being one of the cheapest ho's in town), you're sadly mistaken. I'm sure you adopted the line "we know you have a choice" from you more successful competitors and just thought you should say it, too; but you really shouldn't bother saying those words at all because it only makes you look even LESS business-savvy than you are.
If you ever want to have a hope of real success, of truly satisfying customers and making them WANT to return, American Airlines, then lay it to heart when I say, as a real world customer who currently loathes your very existence, "YOU SUCK!", and do something about that.
Doug out.