The Elusive Gnurd Bird
CFUNITED - ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE
This animal is a unique parallel species of homo sapien more properly classified as homo sapien3. Unlike any other species, this one rarely procreates amongst its own kind and is typically a genetic mutation resulting from a homo sapien union. As rare as the discovery of a mating pair of Gnurds is, it is even rarer that their own offspring possess the mutation that makes them a Gnurd. Though Gnurds are often not accepted or understood in mainstream homo sapien society and tend to sport unique eccentricities, it is this same rarity and uniqueness that make them special as well.
Habitat and Social Tendencies
Though usually alone, it is also what could be termed as "socialite by proxy", communicating profusely and consistently with its kind in one of several remote fashions, but rarely encountering one another physically. There are, however, certain times of the year when these typically solitary creatures stir from their dimly lit recesses and amass themselves in what would appear to be a ritualistic manner. Exactly what the purpose of these mass gatherings are remain for the most part a mystery. Some speculate that it is a re-establishment of the pecking order which cannot be accomplished by remote means; others have observed it to be more inline with a mating ritual, necessary because of the gross unbalance between the number of males of the species as compared to females. The fact that it is still a mystery is what moved me to pack my bags and go to Washington D.C. in order to observe and document one such gathering. What follows are my notes, observations, and hypothesii regarding the things I witnessed there.
The Gathering
The first day of the gathering found other gnurds still arriving. It was already apparent, though, that certain ones were being viewed in higher esteem than others, and I could see by the plumage being displayed that some of these creatures had been leading solitary lives FAR too long for their own good, boasting such outer markings as "CF_RELAX" and "What Would Ben Do?". There were what I am calling the "groomer" birds who would meet each gnurd as they arrived and adorn them all with similar vestments and a large grey gnurd bag. Soon the gathering place was a sea of Gnurds, constantly churning in every direction. As part of their acclimation to physical socializing, the gnurds at first milled about with very little interaction between them, though that was quickly beginning to shift. What just hours before could be called an 'awkward moment' when two gnurds accidentally made eye contact was now resulting in physical interaction and inquiry. The standard initial Gnurd meeting cry was something along the lines of, "so where do you work?", with the standard gnurd reply of "for so and so". In short order these rhetorical ice breakers were resulting in gnurds pairing off or congregating into small sub groups, typical conversations consisting of discussions of their more esteemed peers and latest gnurd controversies.
The second day of the gathering was when the formalities were casually imposed, with those gnurds higher in the pecking order taking turns addressing the hordes of other gnurds. There was obvious respect for these articulate birds, with the crowds growing silent and attentive as their knowledge was conveyed. The remaining days of this brief and rare gathering followed a similar style and pattern.
Gnurd Rivalry
Blatant rivalries among Gnurd birds during their gatherings is almost unheard of and rarely witnessed. Any kind of conflicts that may exist between these creatures is manifested at such a subtle level that only another Gnurd can even detect it. Only one time during the entire gathering was it ever obvious. The situation occurred between one of the beasts which was present at the gathering and another who had been unable to make the trek but was communicating via remote means. The first beast would squawk out some nearly uninteligable phrasology, challenging the other and ascerting its point on something that sounded to the human ear like "framework bad". The remote Gnurd would respond calmly and with utter confidence. After a few moments of the sqawking gnurd getting his own feathers ruffled, the spectator Gnurds suddenly lost interest, seeming to have sided with the remote Gnurd almost unanimously, and then disseminated into the rest of the flock.
Gnurd Mating Ritual
Very little is known about the details of the Gnurd's pre-coital rituals. Chance smiled upon me, however, as I was given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness the attempts of one male Gnurd. He was sitting and casually preening his feathers when a female Gnurd approached and sat within squawking distance. The male Gnurd immediately turned her way and began spouting a unique blend of casual conversation and techno babble. The female gave the male her attention for a few moments, and then suddenly put her wing up against her head, as if to cover her ears. The male took this as a sign of disinterest, and rather bullishly inquired as to whether or not she would prefer that he cease his noise. The female responded with a squawk that meant "no, it's just that my allergies are acting up and my ear is itching inside". The male then held out his pinky and replied (and I'm going to translate the Gnurd babble here), "You wanna use my finger to scratch it"? It became obvious to me at this point why the Gnurd population is so limited and unique, and why the male of the species has such difficulty procuring a mate.
In Conclusion
All told, the trip was well worth it. Gnurds are such awkward creatures that simply to have the opportunity to observe them in social settings provides a steady stream of unique, inexpensive entertainment. Oh, and if you REALLY want to be entertained, set a keg in their midst and see what a mild alteration of their perception of reality does to spice things up.
Habitat and Social Tendencies
Though usually alone, it is also what could be termed as "socialite by proxy", communicating profusely and consistently with its kind in one of several remote fashions, but rarely encountering one another physically. There are, however, certain times of the year when these typically solitary creatures stir from their dimly lit recesses and amass themselves in what would appear to be a ritualistic manner. Exactly what the purpose of these mass gatherings are remain for the most part a mystery. Some speculate that it is a re-establishment of the pecking order which cannot be accomplished by remote means; others have observed it to be more inline with a mating ritual, necessary because of the gross unbalance between the number of males of the species as compared to females. The fact that it is still a mystery is what moved me to pack my bags and go to Washington D.C. in order to observe and document one such gathering. What follows are my notes, observations, and hypothesii regarding the things I witnessed there.
The Gathering
The first day of the gathering found other gnurds still arriving. It was already apparent, though, that certain ones were being viewed in higher esteem than others, and I could see by the plumage being displayed that some of these creatures had been leading solitary lives FAR too long for their own good, boasting such outer markings as "CF_RELAX" and "What Would Ben Do?". There were what I am calling the "groomer" birds who would meet each gnurd as they arrived and adorn them all with similar vestments and a large grey gnurd bag. Soon the gathering place was a sea of Gnurds, constantly churning in every direction. As part of their acclimation to physical socializing, the gnurds at first milled about with very little interaction between them, though that was quickly beginning to shift. What just hours before could be called an 'awkward moment' when two gnurds accidentally made eye contact was now resulting in physical interaction and inquiry. The standard initial Gnurd meeting cry was something along the lines of, "so where do you work?", with the standard gnurd reply of "for so and so". In short order these rhetorical ice breakers were resulting in gnurds pairing off or congregating into small sub groups, typical conversations consisting of discussions of their more esteemed peers and latest gnurd controversies.
The second day of the gathering was when the formalities were casually imposed, with those gnurds higher in the pecking order taking turns addressing the hordes of other gnurds. There was obvious respect for these articulate birds, with the crowds growing silent and attentive as their knowledge was conveyed. The remaining days of this brief and rare gathering followed a similar style and pattern.
Gnurd Rivalry
Blatant rivalries among Gnurd birds during their gatherings is almost unheard of and rarely witnessed. Any kind of conflicts that may exist between these creatures is manifested at such a subtle level that only another Gnurd can even detect it. Only one time during the entire gathering was it ever obvious. The situation occurred between one of the beasts which was present at the gathering and another who had been unable to make the trek but was communicating via remote means. The first beast would squawk out some nearly uninteligable phrasology, challenging the other and ascerting its point on something that sounded to the human ear like "framework bad". The remote Gnurd would respond calmly and with utter confidence. After a few moments of the sqawking gnurd getting his own feathers ruffled, the spectator Gnurds suddenly lost interest, seeming to have sided with the remote Gnurd almost unanimously, and then disseminated into the rest of the flock.
Gnurd Mating Ritual
Very little is known about the details of the Gnurd's pre-coital rituals. Chance smiled upon me, however, as I was given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness the attempts of one male Gnurd. He was sitting and casually preening his feathers when a female Gnurd approached and sat within squawking distance. The male Gnurd immediately turned her way and began spouting a unique blend of casual conversation and techno babble. The female gave the male her attention for a few moments, and then suddenly put her wing up against her head, as if to cover her ears. The male took this as a sign of disinterest, and rather bullishly inquired as to whether or not she would prefer that he cease his noise. The female responded with a squawk that meant "no, it's just that my allergies are acting up and my ear is itching inside". The male then held out his pinky and replied (and I'm going to translate the Gnurd babble here), "You wanna use my finger to scratch it"? It became obvious to me at this point why the Gnurd population is so limited and unique, and why the male of the species has such difficulty procuring a mate.
In Conclusion
All told, the trip was well worth it. Gnurds are such awkward creatures that simply to have the opportunity to observe them in social settings provides a steady stream of unique, inexpensive entertainment. Oh, and if you REALLY want to be entertained, set a keg in their midst and see what a mild alteration of their perception of reality does to spice things up.
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